What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 10:11
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She married twice! .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
What thing happened to you as a child that you haven’t let go of to this day?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Who then, do I blame.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
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Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We all went to grammer schools
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Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Who was the actor least deserving of an Academy Award?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He resisted the act ,that day.
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This is soul school!.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was scared of men, in general
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I could never make a relationship work though!
It was going to be , some day.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She loved him until the end.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was very sick at this time too.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was in good health!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I waited trembling.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
One cannot live in the past .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it wasn’t much.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ive learnt so much.
She found it foreign!.
I was seconnd youngest,
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I will be 64.
Im still living with it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He knew the spot.
I was 9 years of age.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
All the time i was locked up.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I write beautiful poetry .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Would this be the day?
Especially a lifetime of it.
She wouldn,t have been !
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And i lived it daily.
I have no regrets .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
What did i know ?
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I think the readers, may guess!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I said to her
I did it because my mum asked me too!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So, i spoilt her more .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i do to all so called friends.?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
When she asked me how she looked .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Put me off passion for life!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Comes on , in middle age.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I don,t even have a pension.
(And it was in our own minds.)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
So whats the point in blame.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My life is so biszare .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We were not on the streets..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But, we were locked up after school.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My family never makes their pension either.